(Journal Entry from a few months ago)
So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them.
Exodus 2:25
Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.” When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!” And Moses said, “Here I am.” “Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Then he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. The Lord said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”
Exodus 3:1-10
Sometimes family is simply family. It is nice to know that some of my spiritual family is also my biological family, and that they are super close to me. Again and again He makes me smile. I’m still amazed at how all that works. How can you be in some of your hardest, saddest moments and still laugh and smile? This Sunday I was reminded how we have to keep pushing, and pushing back that darkness. The more God shines His light on things, the bigger the dark tries to become, or rather, the harder enemy tries to make himself bigger. This Sunday was one of the proudest moments I’ve ever had as a mom. I was fairly ill and was unable to attend church but my youngest went with her grandparents. There are moments when I know my pack feels I am extra sick, even if I barely say anything at that moment in regards to the situation at hand. My youngest daughter is here massaging me as she explains that today at church she had a very selfish moment. Now here I am thinking she must have been drinking coffee or falling asleep during the preaching. But no; she tells me that she needed and wanted to be at church so badly in that moment- and when she was there, she felt bad that I couldn’t be there. She felt she was being selfish for wanting to be there so badly when I was unable to be. I told her that there is nowhere and no one she should desire to be with more than with Jesus, and if anything, this made me proud.
We had a very unpleasant experience with the hospital tonight, although it wasn’t anything new. I was getting washed up and my oldest kid said that she shouldn’t be shocked at what they do. For the most part, we aren’t—but there are these moments when she is still shocked at the cruelty of it all. I have those moments much too frequently; what does that say about me? Does it mean I am no longer jaded and want to believe that men are still good? It used to be that I was even more jaded than my kids, even if I couldn’t demonstrate it. When they were younger, I was so embittered that all I could see was the bad. Could it be that I am too trusting or scared of stirring up trouble? I think I believe men can be good and that there are some good people in this world, but we all have the potential to do horrendous things to each other. On the other side of the spectrum, we have that same potential to be and do good because of God’s Holy Spirit that makes us more than overcomers thus able to do good. This however, can only be achieved by choice. We have free will.
So many connections. While she was at church, Jazzy said the three of them cried. She said that when she got there she told herself that she wasn’t gonna breakdown. She says maybe the Holy Spirit gave her a place to unburden herself. Funny note: she tells me that she walked out crying and just looked for a straight route to the car because she looked as if she was leaving a funeral, not a happy Sunday service. She also said that during the benediction, she kept thinking about us doing it together. I usually tease her during this time of the service. I press on her head really roughly when they say “In Jesus’ name.” I also raise and wave her hand around at the very end when they say “Let’s go change the world.” She says she sobbed during it. She called me from the car, and was still crying; it wasn’t until tonight that we laughed about it all.
Thank You God for my family. It hurts to see them suffer because of me. I don’t like it. I feel responsible and saddened not just for the suffering they feel but for the things I keep them from. They are so amazing that they don’t treat me like I am a burden; quite the opposite.
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