His Blind Butterfly

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:4-7

 “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

Past Journal Entry

Being chronically ill has too many sad moments to count. While you await good news—an answer from a doctor, or a good test result—or a new medicine that will make you feel better, the hours, seconds, and minutes can wile away so slowly or sometimes too quickly. However, this weekend was a beautiful one. It has been years since I’ve been able to walk further than just around my home. Now that I can, I feel like I am reliving the ‘firsts’ for so many things. I am struggling to contain the excitement I am feeling; I am like a little child that has all of these overwhelming emotions overtaking me. But unlike a child, I have to simply smile calmly while everything inside me wants to cry or shout for joy. I got to sit in a normal seat at In-N-Out. 

     I got to walk to the altar! I walked while leaning on my walker, and l am still on oxygen, but still! As I walked to that altar with my daughters, one on each side, even the minor, physical things were tangible all around me. Under my feet I could tell there was no rug. It was warm in the church—though part of that was the Holy Spirit, I’m sure. When the altar call began, I didn’t think twice—I simply asked my daughter to assist me down to the front of the church. It was by far one of the most memorable moments of my life. While I felt all this in the physical, I know it was also a divine appointment between the Lord and me.

     Earlier that morning I had been listening to our pastors in Sacramento. One of the things that I was reminded of was that there are kairos moments in life. Now we must remember that these moments are different then the day-to-day chronological moments we are living. I remember around this time of year two years ago, I was at church and a young woman who prayed over me had mentioned time. I remembered this later, because that December I was spoken to by God. Even now, I have had and still struggle with believing I am good enough for God to speak to me. A few months later, my sister referenced a scripture from Esther. We were all called for a special time. 

     Tonight I was talking to a friend, who asked how I was doing. I was so thankful that he cared enough to ask about my health. You would think that the longer you are ill, the more those around you would care. The truth is that at times it seems quite the opposite. At times people don’t seem grateful that they have been given extra time to enjoy with the sick individual. At the beginning they claimed to love taking care of them, but then things become tedious and we become a burden not a blessing. As I was talking to this friend, I reminded him that I am a product of answered prayers. I remember that this man, whenever we would sit down for evening meals together, would include my health in the prayer. I believe it is thanks to the persistent prayers of many that I am still here today. I had another friend tell me a few months ago that I had ”been dying for a long time.” The truth is I would rather be the friend who prayed- I do not want to be the type that views those in a similar position as a burden or an annoyance. Either way, I am here by God’s grace and I plan on making the best of every moment. 

     I’ve been thinking about those ‘kairos’ moments! The way I understand it is that kairos moments are divine, special moments in life. They are different than the daily little, ‘second-to-second’ moments we live in. I remember a few years ago I was in the hospital and my daughter looked up at the clock. It was one of those clocks that you can hear ticking away. (You know, the kind that are almost obsolete now because we all look at our phones for the time…yes, even us blind people check our phones for the time.) Well, we were there waiting for a room upstairs and she said “Mom—this second, this minute will never happen again.” It was like she had an epiphany, and she was so right. Even the minutes that are currently passing me by as I write will never happen again. I only pray that we have more of those kairos moments in our lives and that we are able to recognize them when they happen. Those moments are important. After all, what good are they if we can’t recognize that they are there? 

     I feel this time is a special time. All time is special, I know, but there are so many moments that you can’t deny you feel are extra special. I started all this new writing because I happened to go to a store in search of a phone. And while we were there, my daughter took a risk on me and she got me this laptop to write on. It’s not as if I could just pick up a pen and paper to write my thoughts. I began writing and that same day I began reading a book I have been thinking of reading for about a year or so: “The Privilege of Prayer”. I feel strongly that I was even meant to find that book at this time in my life. I am sure it has reached thousands, but there is no denying the impact it has had on me at this time. One of the chapters I recently read happened to do with time and how we spend it. I pray our time is spent more and more with the Lord and less and less fulfilling our own agendas.